I’d like to say I have a new job but this would be equivocation. What’s really happening is my relationship with my job is totally different than it used to be due to distance in many ways.

The first kind of distance – geographical. I now live an hour and 20 minutes from the office. This is very different than a bus ride, or a 15 minute walk to the University. I miss those days but I also don’t. I think the commute is just the price for the higher quality of life that I have out here in deep suburban New York.

I do not miss living in New York City, even with all the nice food and the museums. I am totally ok with sitting here and reading in the afternoon. Or typing a post like this one instead of reading or writing something directly engaging with work.

Another form of distance is identity. I no longer identify with the University as a member of the community, if I ever did. There was a time when this was somewhat important to me, that the University reflect my values or be doing things that are not actively harmful to my work or position in the world.

Now I just accept the University as a failed structure that allows me to have the position I have. I am quite distant from caring much about the goals, vision statements, or plans of the University at all. What I’m focused on is providing the best classes I can for the students and hope to provide them some value and the means to craft value in some way. That’s really it. I also like the library and being able to study or read things to improve my perspective on the world, the people in it, the field, and my own work.

I am distant in another way too – I don’t feel connected to the events on campus. I would like to attend a lot of events that look interesting but there’s no way to justify a three hour drive for a one-hour event (or perhaps less) on a day when I wouldn’t normally be on campus. This issue creates a relationship where I cannot participate in the community in the way that I was used to or accustomed to. I hardly went to the events as it is, but now that they are even more distant it’s tough to feel connected to a community, even one where you could imagine going to different events.

The most difficult distance is the one from my old self. I recently saw a photo come up on my Amazon Echo of me in the first month of working there and I looked very different – a cheerful sort of optimism I no longer recognize. The hardest thing about the recognition and acceptance of the new job is that I really do have to accept this position, this subjectivity is long dead. That’s tough for me regardless of how cynical I am!

I think I can remain hopeful and positive about reading and writing, about posting here, about making videos and teaching. At least I hope that I can remain hopeful!