But everywhere I go
I see it all, I see it all
‘Cause everywhere I go I can’t even hide my love
I see it all, I see it all
But everywhere I go
I see it all I see it all

Everywhere I go by ALPHA 9

It’s been a couple of years since I put my debate program down like the dog it was. I was very happy to be rid of it, and a lot of that happiness came out in long lists of what was wrong with it – primarily, that I had been deceiving myself that I was teaching rhetoric. Doing it the way I was doing it was nearly purely anti-rhetorical, primarily because there’s just no way around that audience question (or lack of one period).

These long lists of what was wrong have disturbed many friends, readers, colleagues, and the like. I still maintain that I have no bigger regret in my life than the way I operated that program and what it turned out to be.

But just this past week I’ve been feeling some gratitude about the program and some of the things that I did and was permitted to do because of what I prioritized and did. I think it’s just because this was the strangest Thanksgiving I’ve had. Being alone in my apartment here is odd on holidays, primarily because I have never done it in my whole 14 years of living here.

For several years I spent Thanksgiving in Ormoz, Slovenia teaching debate with some of the most wonderful teachers I’ve been allowed to work with so far in my career. I would not have any of those memories if it were not for my hope and/or faith that this debate program would work.

I have been thinking about NCA a bit and how negative I can get about the tropes around it (people talking at the bar about going to write their paper), but if I’m honest I always leave NCA feeling somewhat inspired to work a bit harder next time or to do more research, read more, or think differently about things.

Gratitude is something that isn’t the opposite of anything, it’s bound up in everything. This is how I am experiencing it now and perhaps how I’ve always experienced it (perhaps). Even if things are pretty bad or pretty cloudy, those experiences are ones that later on you reflect on and see that you got something out of it.

These two experiences are ones that, until this year, I didn’t really associate with the Thanksgiving holiday, but they are very much connected to it for me. I didn’t feel alone or sad or frustrated at all. I was just very grateful for my past experiences, my luck, and also grateful for the holiday alone to reflect on how fortunate I was to celebrate this holiday in some pretty unique ways over the years.

The debate program wasn’t a cur, and wasn’t something to kill, but an experience that ran its course and offered much. What the quality of those offerings were depends on the attitude one has when they are approached. I still wish I hadn’t done the vast majority of the things I did in that program, but that feeling is not exclusive to feeling grateful that I had those experiences. It’s not just utilitarian – i.e. “Now I’ve learned X,” it’s also in many ways the definition of just living life.

Debate belongs in a classroom anyway, in all the classrooms, among all the students, the campus community, and so on – all the memberships present and to be formed. It’s not like I can’t generate future regrets and gratitude without the program.